四仔深情

2006年4月21日

自閉之後，醒覺是我舊病復發。想到自己在九型人格中屬第四型(individualists/romantics)。姑且讓我叫自己做「四仔」。翻查網頁，重溫了以下對四仔一族5大弊病的忠告﹕—

Personal Growth Recommendations for Enneagram Type Fours

1. 負面情緒
Do not pay so much attention to your feelings; they are not a true source of support for you, one of the most important mistakes Fours make is to equate themselves with their feelings. The fallacy is that to understand themselves they must understand their feelings, particularly their negative ones, before acting. Always remember that your feelings are telling you something about yourself as you are at this particular moment, not necessarily more than that.

這個我是常犯的。很多時候我也將負面情緒等同於自己的性格。時常有負面情緒是否就等如我是一個悲觀消極的人？認真點去想，其實我也有積極樂觀的一面(如果心情好的時候，四仔總是要講心情的)，尤其是我將注意力集中在解決別人的煩惱時。所以多做善事對我來說是很重要的，旁人不知以為我真的「心地善良」，其實我只是想著好人們應得的好報份上。

2. 不事生產
Avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood." Commit yourself to productive, meaningful work that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small the contribution may be. Working consistently in the real world will create a context in which you can discover yourself and your talents. (Actually, you are happiest when you are working—that is, activating your potentials and realizing yourself. You will not "find yourself" in a vacuum or while waiting for inspiration to strike, so connect—and stay connected—with the real world.
說得動聽點，就是「不食人間煙火」，又或者「藝術家脾氣」—凡事講mood到。我想就某些現實環境的需要，例如﹕我要工作維生，我已沒有純正四仔們的那種「清高」了。為了前途、生計，我放棄了我一系列夢想的職業﹕導演、攝影師、流浪旅行家、作家。俗套的我，只想返朝九晚五。安安份份，打份牛工，只望個個月有糧出。很同意這裡說工作中的我最快樂。就如前幾天忽然沮喪玩自閉，幸好我還有工作讓我去投入，分散我的注意力，令我沒有時間再多作胡思亂想。這個忠告大概我已開始了去做。

3. 缺乏自信
Self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences, whether or not you believe that you are ready to have them. Therefore, put yourself in the way of good.就算旁人如何讚美，我也只覺得他們是童子軍，對我美言幾句就當「日行一善」。要喜歡自己對我而言有點難。這個真的要加倍努力。

4. 不能自律
A wholesome self-discipline takes many forms, from sleeping regular hours to working regularly to exercising regularly, and has a cumulative, strengthening effect. Since it comes from yourself, a healthy self-discipline is not contrary to your freedom or individuality. On the other hand, sensuality, excessive sexual experiences, alcohol, drugs, sleep, or fantasizing have a debilitating effect on you, as you already know. Therefore, practice healthy self-discipline and stay with it.
常常遲到，無論我是甚麼時候就寢，甚麼時間起來，我總會遲到，多多少少反映出我缺乏自律。可幸我沒有典型四仔的「上癮」癖 (嫖賭飲蕩吹樣樣不好，但吃甜品除外)。

5.發白日夢
Avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful, or even excessively romantic. These conversations are essentially unreal and at best only rehearsals for action—although, as you know, you almost never say or do what you imagine you will. Instead of spending time imagining your life and relationships, begin to live them.
小時候真的常發白日夢，成年後要工作，有了教會召喚以後連工餘時間也所剩無幾，白日夢也沒有時間發了。但是若不幸遇上失眠的晚上，我的發白日夢毛病又會出動了。

他們叫四仔做「自我型」，很多時令人感到有點我行我素，獨來獨往，可是骨子裡卻渴望被人了解，被人看見，受人歡迎。這種性格，連我自己也覺得煩。但是要我改變，實施「對外開放政策」嗎？一時間我又辦不到。近日有電視劇叫「女人唔易做」，如果做女人難，做四型的女人更難，而且將會比其他型格的女人更煩。